Thank you Hiromi.
We’ve known each other for a year and half now.
You were always kind during training.
I’ve been waiting for you.
Welcome to the ring, my lightly meaty friend.
Let’s get strong together.
I plan on winning. So should you.
Time is a funny thing. Sometimes I get so focused on how little of it I have that I lose the moment. And other times this awareness makes every moment so. fucking. precious. I’m lucky to have had a friend remind me of that fairly recently.
“It isn’t permanent.”
It isn’t. And it wasn’t. And whatever happens next will just be another moment that passes. But I will love it. And I am grateful for all the moments that were given and shared with me. Fucking thank you.
So let’s do this.
Oedo Tai and Stardom are touching down in America for the first time. I don’t think you can even understand how excited I am. There are no words. No number of “fucks” shouted aloud and wild hand waving could illustrate how excited I am right now. I haven’t been back home in so long. And I’m gonna see my mom and freaking sister for the first time in more than 2..almost 3 years.
I’m ready to come home. Maybe not to stay just yet. But I’m ready to see America again. I’ve missed you lady. How have you been?
I know. I’m obsessed with the idea of strength. Though that idea changes and evolves as I continue flopping and clawing through this life. I understand that there is more than just physical power. Inner strength, mental fortitude is necessary to navigate through the crap that can get thrown at you by angry monkeys and dickheads who can’t take care of their own shit. I think it’s ok to compartmentalize, or to have a wall and be cold, or be open and completely vulnerable like an idiot child who just hopes for the best. Maybe I should take turns using these defenses instead of just using one. HAHA…I think the completely vulnerable one is what I’ve been using lately. Just being open and letting all the different emotions hit. Take it. Accept it. And move on. Though…sometimes you get tired and that’s when it’s time to rotate your defense. Mmm..maybe what matters really is which defense you use and when you use it. Timing is everything isn’t it?
Anyways this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone. It doesn’t really make sense to me either…just words…falling from my head and combining on screen.
I’ve been out on a break from wrestling for 3 weeks now. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I do feel crazy not being able to run around and kick and jump on people, but it was nice to have some down time to hermit and see my friends. It was a good time to reflect, watch movies, wrestling vids, and read (kinda — I’m not supposed to concentrate too hard or supposedly my brain would explode ~.~) Overall, it’s been really frustrating not being able to do what makes me feel good or happy. But I guess it was a good thing. I don’t often get the chance to reflect, write in this blog and sound like weirdo. LUCKY!
I’m gonna work on a new costume then go float in the ocean for a while. Dear online journal and eyes that come across my rants, thanks for existing.
I often don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. But thanks for being here with me, assholes. I love you all.
DONE DONE DONE. NOW I’M GONNA GO EAT MEAT. BLKDSJ:LDSKH:LASKJd;lJSDLIWOEIJLSDKAKDJ
Some part of us always searches for a little piece of it. Safety, stability, the familiar. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it. Partially at least. I find myself missing people lately. These past 10 years have passed like a blur. These past 2 and a half years in Japan seem even faster. Occasionally, my mind will slow down long enough to register where I am and what I’m doing, but it isn’t long until the cogs start to turn and I’m on the move again. Some have called it running, others evolving. I’m not sure which…though I have a feeling it’s a bit of both. Though my situations and locations have been reset numerous time, as a person I’m still building upon the experiences of the past. Many things change, few things stay the same. One of the things that I still believe is that “I have no time.”
It never feels like I have enough time to complete the tasks or things I want to do. Though maybe the trick is just to move faster? GAH. A friend once told me that my anxiousness stemmed from worrying too much about the future and not enjoying the present enough. I dunno. I think I’m a pretty selfish person and enjoy the present quite a bit and don’t think enough about the future. But I’m aware. Or at least I think I feel like I can do more, be more. …here’s where the rigidity inside of me says something like, “Then do more! DO IT!”
The counter voice shouts out, “ASS. You have a billion projects going on and you hardly sleep. How the fuck can you do more than you are?”
More more more. “Limits only exist in your head!”
And so the fight continues. Myself arguing with myself over choices and actions, though the headstrong “DON’T STOP, CAN’T STOP” voice always wins out. Lucky I guess. At least it keeps me moving and active.
Dammit! I really was trying to write an entry focusing on the match I had last Sunday against Hazuki and Azumi…but I’m really not very good at writing about events…or even memories!
I think the only thing I’m really in tune with is writing about how I feel in the moment…which is usually hungry. But I’ll work on it. For now, know that I won that last match…and I thank the meat I’ve devoured ’til this point for making me so heavy. I actually had a really good day. It was super sunny and I saw the moon in the morning! Sorry if my thoughts sound moody. I’m doing well. :O I just want more time.