I know. I’m obsessed with the idea of strength. Though that idea changes and evolves as I continue flopping and clawing through this life. I understand that there is more than just physical power. Inner strength, mental fortitude is necessary to navigate through the crap that can get thrown at you by angry monkeys and dickheads who can’t take care of their own shit. I think it’s ok to compartmentalize, or to have a wall and be cold, or be open and completely vulnerable like an idiot child who just hopes for the best. Maybe I should take turns using these defenses instead of just using one. HAHA…I think the completely vulnerable one is what I’ve been using lately. Just being open and letting all the different emotions hit. Take it. Accept it. And move on. Though…sometimes you get tired and that’s when it’s time to rotate your defense. Mmm..maybe what matters really is which defense you use and when you use it. Timing is everything isn’t it?
Anyways this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone. It doesn’t really make sense to me either…just words…falling from my head and combining on screen.
I’ve been out on a break from wrestling for 3 weeks now. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I do feel crazy not being able to run around and kick and jump on people, but it was nice to have some down time to hermit and see my friends. It was a good time to reflect, watch movies, wrestling vids, and read (kinda — I’m not supposed to concentrate too hard or supposedly my brain would explode ~.~) Overall, it’s been really frustrating not being able to do what makes me feel good or happy. But I guess it was a good thing. I don’t often get the chance to reflect, write in this blog and sound like weirdo. LUCKY!
I’m gonna work on a new costume then go float in the ocean for a while. Dear online journal and eyes that come across my rants, thanks for existing.
I often don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. But thanks for being here with me, assholes. I love you all.
DONE DONE DONE. NOW I’M GONNA GO EAT MEAT. BLKDSJ:LDSKH:LASKJd;lJSDLIWOEIJLSDKAKDJ
I want to. Something more than something shiny. I want to make this place brighter. Sometimes it just feels so fucking dark.
What can I give? I drop and pickup at any moment. So I don’t have much. Even the people I love and who love me are always waiting for me to go. That’s what I do best, right? I keep moving. I keep going. I don’t think. I can’t think too much or else I might start to doubt myself. But maybe if I stop for a second I can figure out and see where I’m headed. What am I running to?
In this moment where I’ve pushed pause…I can’t help but wonder…I do all these things that make me happy…
I always do what makes me happy…
how the hell does that contribute anything to the world?
Fuck fuck fuck. There I go sounding like an emo fuck again. I’m not sad. I’m enjoying myself. And I have a lot of things going for me…and amazing people in my life. But there is something more I’d like to give…and there is always something more I’d like to be. Fuck fuck fuck T_T talk to you later peeps. Gotta go train and shut this head of mine up.
Thanks for reading and riding along with me. More thoughts later. Meat. and Peepz.
It’s been a while!
I hope you are all doing well! げんき？？
I have the day off and was looking at all the footage I captured on my camera. I swear! I bring it around with me and shoot…but I never have the chance to upload it or edit!
Of course my Japanese is hella simple compared to my English…but…yeah.. >.<;;
A lot has happened since I last wrote something. There have been lots of ups and downs in wrestling and in my personal life. You know…normal stuff…not so normal stuff. Life stuff. ;D I like to think I’m getting stronger. I feel like I am.
But YAY! We made it through the winter!
And now it’s Spring in Japan! ❤
AND I’M SOOOO FUCKING HAPPY!
I don’t fare very well in the winter. It’s usually the hardest time for me mentally. Like I’ve said before, I’m powered by the sun! I have to fight harder to feel ok when it’s cold and dark outside. In the summer I feel the most alive…and the most natural. Granted I spend a lot of my summer days running through the woods and mountains, and swimming in the ocean. Natural = Naked. What? Ignore that.
Anyways…enough about me being a big baby. My life here in the dorms has been interesting. I’ve met so many awesome people, I can’t describe how lucky I feel. My brain is constantly being tickled by the new things I learn. I think that’s what keeps people young. Anyways. I have to figure out what to do with all this footage. But here’s something from a month or two ago. I hope you enjoy it. We did.
#throwback #friends #ooedotai
For more of my face eating things and playing with people check out these channels:
I slept in a bed again. God. It feels amazing. I still don’t have a bed at home, but it’s my fault for not managing my time better to get one. >.<
My match in Nagoya was with Hazuki Reo. I had fun even though my insides feel like they've been crushed. What is this life? Is there something wrong with me? I'm not sure sometimes, but I'm having fun and it tickles something within so I'll go with the flow.
Right now we’re in a small off the highway town between Nagoya and Osaka. I woke up before everyone else and took a walk. I think I’m in the next town over in a ガスト.
Ever since we hit the mountains, a deep feeling of nostalgia has taken over me. This usually happens when we have away shows. The road pulls at something inside of me that feels like it’s been ignored. And I yearn to ride. I miss cycling into the night through dimly lit streets, feeling my muscles ache as I force my legs to keep pumping, pumping, pumping. It hurts when I imagine the roads cutting into the mountains and down through coastlines and I’m not there to feel them. I’m not there to feel the air push against me or fight as it leaves my lungs. I miss these things. I do something very similar now. These moments in the ring where I force my body to move in ways and combinations that are new to me..excite me.
..there is a different challenge of endurance in this world I’m currently in and much of it is a mental test. These loves of mine are so different..and yet strangely similar.
I’ve always felt like my heart was scattered all over the place, the people I love, the things I want to do and see, where I want to be. I have all this energy and it pushes out of me in so many different directions. It can be so hard to focus. Everything I’m doing..everything I do..I love it. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t. But I always want more. I want everything.
*ガスト – (Gasuto) a 24hr chain restaurant serving everyone from families, drunkards, and long distance travelers. Perhaps you could call it the Japanese equivalent to an American diner. Though it is vastly different…it’s probably the closest thing they have to an American diner.
I wish I wasn’t so fucking anxious. I wish I was one of those cool and collected types. Definitely not the case. I constantly feel as if I’m on fire or electricity is coursing through my veins. Even when it seems like I should be able to relax…I can’t. I just don’t know how to. A friend of mine had been meditating a lot lately. I thought I would give it a try. It’s been a long time since I have done such. But I can’t get into it. My pulse quickens and I hear my chest beat,”go go go”. Is it my obsession with time? Ughhh…
But let’s be clear. It’s not that I’m not enjoying myself. I am. I’m alive. On fire. Constantly being challenged and stimulated. I am happy. But I suppose as always, I want to do more. Be more.
We’re riding up to Aomori tonight. We have a match at 2pm tomorrow. The bus doesn’t have any chains on the tires. Lol I wonder how well it’ll travel through snow country.
It’s the 3rd to last show we have for the year.
After Aomori is Osaka, then the year climax at Korakuen in Tokyo.
For those that know me, I’m very concerned about time. I have a terrible concept of time. I’m never right on time. If I’m not late, I’m ridiculously early. So I prefer to practice the latter. But like I mentioned in a previous post..I feel like I never have any time. Training, family, friends. I get so caught up in the movement of a moment that I don’t realize time has passed until someone or something outside of myself reminds me to slow down.
I’m trying..to become a more self-aware person. I feel like I’ve gotten to know myself much better since I’ve come to Japan. Acknowledging my weaknesses and flaws, and either choosing to accept them or change them..I think that’s what I’ve been doing all this time.
I don’t have the stability many of my friends and family have, nor can I give the monetary comfort I wish I could to my family. But I still feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.
And I know…I know it’s selfish. Chasing dreams and impulses half way across the world.. But I can’t stop. Not now. I just started. And I want to continue building myself into the best version I can be. …sorry gonna stop for a bit. Feelings got overwhelming. Can’t really identify what I’m feeling at the moment..probably because I don’t want to think anymore. //end rant
Do I push publish? Yeah Fuck it. Thanks for reading my thoughts.
The women I work with are warriors(戦士) and legends(伝説). Sometimes my mind can’t wrap around the thought of what I’m doing amongst them.
Because I feel like a puppy when I’m around them. Excited and amazed at every new discovery and chance to try something new. Lol of course at times this puppy is aware that it might get kicked in the face if it makes the wrong move.
But I am where I want to be.
Last match in Shin-Kiba it was Kim-chan and I versus Nanae Takahashi and Hojo Kairi. They are an amazing team. I saw first hand why they’re the tag team champions. Kim of course was awesome. Watching her battle it out with Nanae were some of my favorite moments of the match. Kim is trying to help me think more so I’m more aware of everything around me. I really like working with her.
Afterwards I met up with some of my friends that waited for me after the event. ;_; they waited in the cold for so long!! I felt really bad and just wanted to hug them. When I came around they took advantage of the fact that I’m a walking heater and stuffed their hands into my shirt and stole my heat. It was ok though, I really appreciated them coming and sticking around. When my friends are around I think I feel really excited and I don’t pay so much attention to the aches my body may feel ^^.
「insert photo of Jun, Andrew, and new friend Mike here」
I just like this photo *^^*
This weekend we’re going to Iwaki and Hakata!
In Iwaki I’ll face Mystique.
And in Hakata it’s me and Kim versus Yoneyama and Hatsuhinode.
I’m excited for both matches. Finally, another single! Mystique has a totally different style from me so I’m really interested to see what happens! And of course I’m excited to go back to Kyushu! Wrestling, friends, food, all of it! I can’t wait! Ok…seriously though..I’ve been ignoring my stomach and now it’s mad at me. I have to take care of it. Til next time, what will you be doing this weekend? If you’re in Japan or Kyushu, will you be coming to the show?
Peace out my lovelies.
P.S. Editing later for more Japanese..but..now…time for food