The cold and scattered light slows me down.
..So much that the only thing I can do is think and hide under the covers.
There’s so much noise. >_< I hate it.
And it’s so mother fucking demanding.
Each thought is covered and dripping with all of my emotions at once.
It feels so heavy.
Nachos with the works.
That sounds 10x more appealing, but still just as unpleasant to digest.
😮 poop poop poop I guess.
Excuse me while I get assistance from my auto-pilot :O
I want to burn brighter and harder this year. Like every year I obsess over finding meaning in the consistent chaos that is my life. I’ve tried creating routines, planning…but it all goes to shit. I…can’t…not act on impulse. And I can’t help but burn energy in all directions. I understand focusing will yield better results…profit? something. But I don’t know if that is what I want. I still don’t know.
All I know is that I want to burn. And occasionally throw others into their own spirals of chaos. UGH. WHAT AM I SAYING.
We had an away show at Takaoka the other day.
I had a lot of fun!
I got to jump around with lots of little meat during the intermission. (Literally, children came into the ring to jump and run around. It was a like little soft steaks dancing in front of my eyes.)
And I had my first singles match with Saori Anou! She was tasty!
I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately.
And they always ask about the duality within wrestlers.
Like..their ring character vs who they are out of the ring.
I didn’t think I was very different in or out of it.
Just another side of myself being expressed.
Drunk Kris. Overly aggressive/excited Kris. But I guess it is kinda one sided right? It’s that part that likes to go boom!
Sometimes my friends tell me they get asked if I’m really crazy.
XD maybe a bit off..?
But not because I bite people and want to put my tail in their mouths.
I think my concern is that I’m not sure how to process all the things that come into my head or how I feel.
I’m not really sure what is proper, just what feels acceptable for me. Though maybe that’s a general hooman/sentient being thing?
Sometimes thoughts and feelings get overwhelming.
Not even in a bad way. Just the processing of life as it comes.
Sometimes things happen so fast, and I move to react without thinking. >.> Often without thinking.
^^;;; so that when I do stop to think…it’s a large file to load and it takes a while to understand.
ANYWAYS. I’m happy. Maybe a bit off. But I like being here.
I might have mentioned this song before, but I really like Sleeping at Last – Jupiter:
“Make my messes matter.
Make this chaos count.
Let every little fracture in me
Shatter out loud.”
Thank you Hiromi.
We’ve known each other for a year and half now.
You were always kind during training.
I’ve been waiting for you.
Welcome to the ring, my lightly meaty friend.
Let’s get strong together.
I plan on winning. So should you.
Time is a funny thing. Sometimes I get so focused on how little of it I have that I lose the moment. And other times this awareness makes every moment so. fucking. precious. I’m lucky to have had a friend remind me of that fairly recently.
“It isn’t permanent.”
It isn’t. And it wasn’t. And whatever happens next will just be another moment that passes. But I will love it. And I am grateful for all the moments that were given and shared with me. Fucking thank you.
So let’s do this.
Oedo Tai and Stardom are touching down in America for the first time. I don’t think you can even understand how excited I am. There are no words. No number of “fucks” shouted aloud and wild hand waving could illustrate how excited I am right now. I haven’t been back home in so long. And I’m gonna see my mom and freaking sister for the first time in more than 2..almost 3 years.
I’m ready to come home. Maybe not to stay just yet. But I’m ready to see America again. I’ve missed you lady. How have you been?
This is a phrase I’ve always known, but have never really used or heard it used until I came to Japan.
Though this is primarily used to describe business ventures and investments..I feel like this accurately describes how I handle myself, relationships, and endeavors. There is no guarantee, no set deadline, just a chance to give what you can in hopes for something great… for whatever amount of time you’re lucky enough to get.
I don’t see these gambles as a waste of time. Regardless of their outcome, they’re so fucking precious to me. I think my life is made up of chances taken. And I’m happy I was able to take them. It means I said yes and tried.
HAHA…I guess it might not amount to anything to some people. I don’t have anything physical to show as a reward, and maybe I haven’t “won” yet. But what is that? Maybe that high return…isn’t some sort of reward or person, but just that experience of taking a risk on something, someone, and yourself.
I know. I’m obsessed with the idea of strength. Though that idea changes and evolves as I continue flopping and clawing through this life. I understand that there is more than just physical power. Inner strength, mental fortitude is necessary to navigate through the crap that can get thrown at you by angry monkeys and dickheads who can’t take care of their own shit. I think it’s ok to compartmentalize, or to have a wall and be cold, or be open and completely vulnerable like an idiot child who just hopes for the best. Maybe I should take turns using these defenses instead of just using one. HAHA…I think the completely vulnerable one is what I’ve been using lately. Just being open and letting all the different emotions hit. Take it. Accept it. And move on. Though…sometimes you get tired and that’s when it’s time to rotate your defense. Mmm..maybe what matters really is which defense you use and when you use it. Timing is everything isn’t it?
Anyways this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone. It doesn’t really make sense to me either…just words…falling from my head and combining on screen.
I’ve been out on a break from wrestling for 3 weeks now. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I do feel crazy not being able to run around and kick and jump on people, but it was nice to have some down time to hermit and see my friends. It was a good time to reflect, watch movies, wrestling vids, and read (kinda — I’m not supposed to concentrate too hard or supposedly my brain would explode ~.~) Overall, it’s been really frustrating not being able to do what makes me feel good or happy. But I guess it was a good thing. I don’t often get the chance to reflect, write in this blog and sound like weirdo. LUCKY!
I’m gonna work on a new costume then go float in the ocean for a while. Dear online journal and eyes that come across my rants, thanks for existing.
I often don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. But thanks for being here with me, assholes. I love you all.
DONE DONE DONE. NOW I’M GONNA GO EAT MEAT. BLKDSJ:LDSKH:LASKJd;lJSDLIWOEIJLSDKAKDJ
It’s been a while!
I hope you are all doing well! げんき？？
I have the day off and was looking at all the footage I captured on my camera. I swear! I bring it around with me and shoot…but I never have the chance to upload it or edit!
Of course my Japanese is hella simple compared to my English…but…yeah.. >.<;;
A lot has happened since I last wrote something. There have been lots of ups and downs in wrestling and in my personal life. You know…normal stuff…not so normal stuff. Life stuff. ;D I like to think I’m getting stronger. I feel like I am.
But YAY! We made it through the winter!
And now it’s Spring in Japan! ❤
AND I’M SOOOO FUCKING HAPPY!
I don’t fare very well in the winter. It’s usually the hardest time for me mentally. Like I’ve said before, I’m powered by the sun! I have to fight harder to feel ok when it’s cold and dark outside. In the summer I feel the most alive…and the most natural. Granted I spend a lot of my summer days running through the woods and mountains, and swimming in the ocean. Natural = Naked. What? Ignore that.
Anyways…enough about me being a big baby. My life here in the dorms has been interesting. I’ve met so many awesome people, I can’t describe how lucky I feel. My brain is constantly being tickled by the new things I learn. I think that’s what keeps people young. Anyways. I have to figure out what to do with all this footage. But here’s something from a month or two ago. I hope you enjoy it. We did.
#throwback #friends #ooedotai
For more of my face eating things and playing with people check out these channels: