How do you process feelings?

I have a strange relationship with my feelings. (As I do with most things that I interact with in this world ^^;;;)

I think people go in cycles, yeah?  Like sometimes they’re harder, and sometimes they’re softer.

I feel incredibly soft these days.  Just a squishy ball of emotions that rage within me.  Most times they’re manageable, with just a small splash of anxiety to keep me from collapsing underneath the weight of existential questioning and the desire to mean fucking something.  I get pretty intense when I think about this life.  This time that I’ve been given to live.  What can I do? What can I do?  Am I using this time wisely?  God, why does it pass so quickly?  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Those are usually the thoughts in my head.

Though I think I’m calmer these days.

I have good humans in my corner.  Helping me learn, live, explore.  I’m so grateful to them.  So happy they are as enthusiastic about being in my life as I am in theirs.

Arghh…here comes the hard part.

Or at least it feels hard for me.

I saw an article the other day that really hit me.

Like punched me in the heart with brass knuckles and dipped in cramp-inducing poison.

(Don’t click if your heart easily aches)

An 8 year old girl in India was repeatedly gangraped and murdered.

Even just typing that out hurt my heart.
I can’t stand it.
I hate it when people hurt.
(lol funny that I’m in prowrestling)
but i was doing some research

as things stabilize for me I’d like to start donating for this cause
i mean
it’s so far from me
im not indian
i dont work in india
but it feels horrible to know that these things are happening and rising in that part of the world
>.< terrible things happen everywhere
and i know it’s normal to just focus on the things that affect us directly
but that’s just horrible T____T SO MANY THINGS ARE HORRIBLE
but maybe i can make things a little less horrible?
T___T I don’t know
i will try

>.< Thanks for reading this.  Sorry it’s full of FEELINGS AND THINGS.  but thanks all the same.  my heart feels a little better for putting this somewhere.


Sometimes things hurt.


#human #learning #feelings

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listening: Chaos chaos – Do you feel it

I hate the winter.

The cold and scattered light slows me down.
..So much that the only thing I can do is think and hide under the covers.
There’s so much noise. >_< I hate it.
And it’s so mother fucking demanding.
Each thought is covered and dripping with all of my emotions at once.
It feels so heavy.
Nachos with the works.
That sounds 10x more appealing, but still just as unpleasant to digest.

😮 poop poop poop I guess.

Excuse me while I get assistance from my auto-pilot :O


I want to burn brighter and harder this year. Like every year I obsess over finding meaning in the consistent chaos that is my life.  I’ve tried creating routines, planning…but it all goes to shit.  I…can’t…not act on impulse.  And I can’t help but burn energy in all directions.  I understand focusing will yield better results…profit? something. But I don’t know if that is what I want.  I still don’t know.

All I know is that I want to burn.  And occasionally throw others into their own spirals of chaos. UGH. WHAT AM I SAYING.

Happy New Year, fuckers.


Kris’s Brain

:o mountains make me feel

We had an away show at Takaoka the other day.
I had a lot of fun!
I got to jump around with lots of little meat during the intermission. (Literally, children came into the ring to jump and run around.  It was a like little soft steaks dancing in front of my eyes.)
And I had my first singles match with Saori Anou!  She was tasty!

//start rant
I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately.
And they always ask about the duality within wrestlers.
Like..their ring character vs who they are out of the ring.
I didn’t think I was very different in or out of it.
Just another side of myself being expressed.
Drunk Kris. Overly aggressive/excited Kris. But I guess it is kinda one sided right?  It’s that part that likes to go boom!
Sometimes my friends tell me they get asked if I’m really crazy.


XD maybe a bit off..?
But not because I bite people and want to put my tail in their mouths.
I think my concern is that I’m not sure how to process all the things that come into my head or how I feel.
I’m not really sure what is proper, just what feels acceptable for me.  Though maybe that’s a general hooman/sentient being thing?
Sometimes thoughts and feelings get overwhelming.
Not even in a bad way.  Just the processing of life as it comes.
Sometimes things happen so fast, and I move to react without thinking.  >.> Often without thinking.
^^;;; so that when I do stop to think…it’s a large file to load and it takes a while to understand.

ANYWAYS.  I’m  happy.  Maybe a bit off.  But I like being here.


I might have mentioned this song before, but I really like Sleeping at Last – Jupiter:

“Make my messes matter.
Make this chaos count.
Let every little fracture in me
Shatter out loud.”

//end rant

Thick skin and skulls

Perhaps I’ve been blessed with both.  :3

Thank you Hiromi.
We’ve known each other for a year and half now.
You were always kind during training.
I’ve been waiting for you.
Welcome to the ring, my lightly meaty friend.
Let’s get strong together.
I plan on winning.  So should you.
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Time is a funny thing.  Sometimes I get so focused on how little of it I have that I lose the moment.  And other times this awareness makes every moment so. fucking. precious.  I’m lucky to have had a friend remind me of that fairly recently.

“It isn’t permanent.”

It isn’t.  And it wasn’t.  And whatever happens next will just be another moment that passes.  But I will love it.  And I am grateful for all the moments that were given and shared with me.  Fucking thank you.

So let’s do this.

Oedo Tai and Stardom are touching down in America for the first time.  I don’t think you can even understand how excited I am.  There are no words.  No number of “fucks” shouted aloud and wild hand waving could illustrate how excited I am right now.  I haven’t been back home in so long.  And I’m gonna see my mom and freaking sister for the first time in more than 2..almost 3 years.

I’m ready to come home.  Maybe not to stay just yet.  But I’m ready to see America again.  I’ve missed you lady.  How have you been?


High risk, high return

This is a phrase I’ve always known, but have never really used or heard it used until I came to Japan.

Though this is primarily used to describe business ventures and investments..I feel like this accurately describes how I handle myself, relationships, and endeavors.  There is no guarantee, no set deadline, just a chance to give what you can in hopes for something great… for whatever amount of time you’re lucky enough to get.

I don’t see these gambles as a waste of time.  Regardless of their outcome, they’re so fucking precious to me.  I think my life is made up of chances taken.  And I’m happy I was able to take them.  It means I said yes and tried.

HAHA…I guess it might not amount to anything to some people.  I don’t have anything physical to show as a reward, and maybe I haven’t “won” yet.  But what is that?  Maybe that high return…isn’t some sort of reward or person, but just that experience of taking a risk on something, someone, and yourself.