Some part of us always searches for a little piece of it. Safety, stability, the familiar. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it. Partially at least. I find myself missing people lately. These past 10 years have passed like a blur. These past 2 and a half years in Japan seem even faster. Occasionally, my mind will slow down long enough to register where I am and what I’m doing, but it isn’t long until the cogs start to turn and I’m on the move again. Some have called it running, others evolving. I’m not sure which…though I have a feeling it’s a bit of both. Though my situations and locations have been reset numerous time, as a person I’m still building upon the experiences of the past. Many things change, few things stay the same. One of the things that I still believe is that “I have no time.”
It never feels like I have enough time to complete the tasks or things I want to do. Though maybe the trick is just to move faster? GAH. A friend once told me that my anxiousness stemmed from worrying too much about the future and not enjoying the present enough. I dunno. I think I’m a pretty selfish person and enjoy the present quite a bit and don’t think enough about the future. But I’m aware. Or at least I think I feel like I can do more, be more. …here’s where the rigidity inside of me says something like, “Then do more! DO IT!”
The counter voice shouts out, “ASS. You have a billion projects going on and you hardly sleep. How the fuck can you do more than you are?”
More more more. “Limits only exist in your head!”
And so the fight continues. Myself arguing with myself over choices and actions, though the headstrong “DON’T STOP, CAN’T STOP” voice always wins out. Lucky I guess. At least it keeps me moving and active.
Dammit! I really was trying to write an entry focusing on the match I had last Sunday against Hazuki and Azumi…but I’m really not very good at writing about events…or even memories!
I think the only thing I’m really in tune with is writing about how I feel in the moment…which is usually hungry. But I’ll work on it. For now, know that I won that last match…and I thank the meat I’ve devoured ’til this point for making me so heavy. I actually had a really good day. It was super sunny and I saw the moon in the morning! Sorry if my thoughts sound moody. I’m doing well. :O I just want more time.