How do you process feelings?

I have a strange relationship with my feelings. (As I do with most things that I interact with in this world ^^;;;)

I think people go in cycles, yeah?  Like sometimes they’re harder, and sometimes they’re softer.

I feel incredibly soft these days.  Just a squishy ball of emotions that rage within me.  Most times they’re manageable, with just a small splash of anxiety to keep me from collapsing underneath the weight of existential questioning and the desire to mean fucking something.  I get pretty intense when I think about this life.  This time that I’ve been given to live.  What can I do? What can I do?  Am I using this time wisely?  God, why does it pass so quickly?  Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Those are usually the thoughts in my head.

Though I think I’m calmer these days.

I have good humans in my corner.  Helping me learn, live, explore.  I’m so grateful to them.  So happy they are as enthusiastic about being in my life as I am in theirs.

Arghh…here comes the hard part.

Or at least it feels hard for me.

I saw an article the other day that really hit me.

Like punched me in the heart with brass knuckles and dipped in cramp-inducing poison.

(Don’t click if your heart easily aches)

An 8 year old girl in India was repeatedly gangraped and murdered.

Even just typing that out hurt my heart.
I can’t stand it.
I hate it when people hurt.
(lol funny that I’m in prowrestling)
but i was doing some research

as things stabilize for me I’d like to start donating for this cause
i mean
it’s so far from me
im not indian
i dont work in india
but it feels horrible to know that these things are happening and rising in that part of the world
>.< terrible things happen everywhere
and i know it’s normal to just focus on the things that affect us directly
but that’s just horrible T____T SO MANY THINGS ARE HORRIBLE
but maybe i can make things a little less horrible?
T___T I don’t know
i will try

>.< Thanks for reading this.  Sorry it’s full of FEELINGS AND THINGS.  but thanks all the same.  my heart feels a little better for putting this somewhere.


Sometimes things hurt.


#human #learning #feelings

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But as always…stay meaty and sparkle on, human friends ❤

Nostalgic Paws

5 years ago I biked and camped through these mountains and fell in love with Japan

I am not a great cyclist or ultra survivalist, nor am I an awesome fucking wrestler, but I’m a good example of a person who doesn’t have anything but the desire to try.

I’m always terribly underprepared and inexperienced, but I like to goddamn try. And I’m grateful for the people who have given me a chance to do so.

Keep on going and keep growing.
I hope you can all become the juiciest you can be.





— Special thanks to Kaname for helping me with the Japanese.  This one has been sitting in my drafts for a while since I suck so hard and forget to post things when I mean to.  ❤ Thanks bro ^___^

And here we go again

I haven’t written here in a long time.
I feel like I haven’t been able to really share everything that’s been happening…partially because I was caught up in processing everything and in general trying to function.  Properly.  Normally.  Effectively.

I still have problems with that last one…but I’m working on it!

I just wanted to say thank you.  To everyone.. these past two years…and especially the last has been incredibly trying.  But thank you.  To the people who kept me up…lifted me up without realizing they were.  Thank you.  Thank you for giving me a chance.  I may not have been able to thank you yet.  But I hope someday I can and will.  All of you.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

FUCK.  That was some mushy shit. >.< But it needed to come out.  Thank you for your time.


listening: Chaos chaos – Do you feel it

I hate the winter.

The cold and scattered light slows me down.
..So much that the only thing I can do is think and hide under the covers.
There’s so much noise. >_< I hate it.
And it’s so mother fucking demanding.
Each thought is covered and dripping with all of my emotions at once.
It feels so heavy.
Nachos with the works.
That sounds 10x more appealing, but still just as unpleasant to digest.

😮 poop poop poop I guess.

Excuse me while I get assistance from my auto-pilot :O


I want to burn brighter and harder this year. Like every year I obsess over finding meaning in the consistent chaos that is my life.  I’ve tried creating routines, planning…but it all goes to shit.  I…can’t…not act on impulse.  And I can’t help but burn energy in all directions.  I understand focusing will yield better results…profit? something. But I don’t know if that is what I want.  I still don’t know.

All I know is that I want to burn.  And occasionally throw others into their own spirals of chaos. UGH. WHAT AM I SAYING.

Happy New Year, fuckers.


Kris’s Brain

:o mountains make me feel

We had an away show at Takaoka the other day.
I had a lot of fun!
I got to jump around with lots of little meat during the intermission. (Literally, children came into the ring to jump and run around.  It was a like little soft steaks dancing in front of my eyes.)
And I had my first singles match with Saori Anou!  She was tasty!

//start rant
I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately.
And they always ask about the duality within wrestlers.
Like..their ring character vs who they are out of the ring.
I didn’t think I was very different in or out of it.
Just another side of myself being expressed.
Drunk Kris. Overly aggressive/excited Kris. But I guess it is kinda one sided right?  It’s that part that likes to go boom!
Sometimes my friends tell me they get asked if I’m really crazy.


XD maybe a bit off..?
But not because I bite people and want to put my tail in their mouths.
I think my concern is that I’m not sure how to process all the things that come into my head or how I feel.
I’m not really sure what is proper, just what feels acceptable for me.  Though maybe that’s a general hooman/sentient being thing?
Sometimes thoughts and feelings get overwhelming.
Not even in a bad way.  Just the processing of life as it comes.
Sometimes things happen so fast, and I move to react without thinking.  >.> Often without thinking.
^^;;; so that when I do stop to think…it’s a large file to load and it takes a while to understand.

ANYWAYS.  I’m  happy.  Maybe a bit off.  But I like being here.


I might have mentioned this song before, but I really like Sleeping at Last – Jupiter:

“Make my messes matter.
Make this chaos count.
Let every little fracture in me
Shatter out loud.”

//end rant