I haven’t written here in a long time.
I feel like I haven’t been able to really share everything that’s been happening…partially because I was caught up in processing everything and in general trying to function. Properly. Normally. Effectively.
I still have problems with that last one…but I’m working on it!
I just wanted to say thank you. To everyone.. these past two years…and especially the last has been incredibly trying. But thank you. To the people who kept me up…lifted me up without realizing they were. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance. I may not have been able to thank you yet. But I hope someday I can and will. All of you. Thank you for being a part of my life.
FUCK. That was some mushy shit. >.< But it needed to come out. Thank you for your time.
The cold and scattered light slows me down.
..So much that the only thing I can do is think and hide under the covers.
There’s so much noise. >_< I hate it.
And it’s so mother fucking demanding.
Each thought is covered and dripping with all of my emotions at once.
It feels so heavy.
Nachos with the works.
That sounds 10x more appealing, but still just as unpleasant to digest.
😮 poop poop poop I guess.
Excuse me while I get assistance from my auto-pilot :O
I want to burn brighter and harder this year. Like every year I obsess over finding meaning in the consistent chaos that is my life. I’ve tried creating routines, planning…but it all goes to shit. I…can’t…not act on impulse. And I can’t help but burn energy in all directions. I understand focusing will yield better results…profit? something. But I don’t know if that is what I want. I still don’t know.
All I know is that I want to burn. And occasionally throw others into their own spirals of chaos. UGH. WHAT AM I SAYING.
We had an away show at Takaoka the other day.
I had a lot of fun!
I got to jump around with lots of little meat during the intermission. (Literally, children came into the ring to jump and run around. It was a like little soft steaks dancing in front of my eyes.)
And I had my first singles match with Saori Anou! She was tasty!
I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately.
And they always ask about the duality within wrestlers.
Like..their ring character vs who they are out of the ring.
I didn’t think I was very different in or out of it.
Just another side of myself being expressed.
Drunk Kris. Overly aggressive/excited Kris. But I guess it is kinda one sided right? It’s that part that likes to go boom!
Sometimes my friends tell me they get asked if I’m really crazy.
😄 maybe a bit off..?
But not because I bite people and want to put my tail in their mouths.
I think my concern is that I’m not sure how to process all the things that come into my head or how I feel.
I’m not really sure what is proper, just what feels acceptable for me. Though maybe that’s a general hooman/sentient being thing?
Sometimes thoughts and feelings get overwhelming.
Not even in a bad way. Just the processing of life as it comes.
Sometimes things happen so fast, and I move to react without thinking. >.> Often without thinking.
^^;;; so that when I do stop to think…it’s a large file to load and it takes a while to understand.
ANYWAYS. I’m happy. Maybe a bit off. But I like being here.
I might have mentioned this song before, but I really like Sleeping at Last – Jupiter:
“Make my messes matter.
Make this chaos count.
Let every little fracture in me
Shatter out loud.”
:O While I’m taking a break from wrestling I’ll be taking on private students who are interested in learning English and want to become more confident in speaking English. If you’re interested, send me a message. MEAT MEAT MEAT. BYE.
Thank you Hiromi.
We’ve known each other for a year and half now.
You were always kind during training.
I’ve been waiting for you.
Welcome to the ring, my lightly meaty friend.
Let’s get strong together.
I plan on winning. So should you.
Time is a funny thing. Sometimes I get so focused on how little of it I have that I lose the moment. And other times this awareness makes every moment so. fucking. precious. I’m lucky to have had a friend remind me of that fairly recently.
“It isn’t permanent.”
It isn’t. And it wasn’t. And whatever happens next will just be another moment that passes. But I will love it. And I am grateful for all the moments that were given and shared with me. Fucking thank you.
So let’s do this.
Oedo Tai and Stardom are touching down in America for the first time. I don’t think you can even understand how excited I am. There are no words. No number of “fucks” shouted aloud and wild hand waving could illustrate how excited I am right now. I haven’t been back home in so long. And I’m gonna see my mom and freaking sister for the first time in more than 2..almost 3 years.
I’m ready to come home. Maybe not to stay just yet. But I’m ready to see America again. I’ve missed you lady. How have you been?
This is a phrase I’ve always known, but have never really used or heard it used until I came to Japan.
Though this is primarily used to describe business ventures and investments..I feel like this accurately describes how I handle myself, relationships, and endeavors. There is no guarantee, no set deadline, just a chance to give what you can in hopes for something great… for whatever amount of time you’re lucky enough to get.
I don’t see these gambles as a waste of time. Regardless of their outcome, they’re so fucking precious to me. I think my life is made up of chances taken. And I’m happy I was able to take them. It means I said yes and tried.
HAHA…I guess it might not amount to anything to some people. I don’t have anything physical to show as a reward, and maybe I haven’t “won” yet. But what is that? Maybe that high return…isn’t some sort of reward or person, but just that experience of taking a risk on something, someone, and yourself.